Please Take Me Away Without Question.

No safety
No stability
No support

Not a soul in sight
Offers her hand
When it’s her last hand left

You just don’t understand
You can’t even understand that

Everything leads back
To the dizziness
I feel when thinking about
How messed up my situation is

No hand to guide me
No study partner
No one motivating me
No love
No understanding
Nothing
And I make up for all of it
By supplying myself with all of it

It doesn’t always work
Hell, it never really works
But I can’t confide
I just get shot down

I am so easy to break
I put up walls to save myself
But they just push me further
Like a bulldozer

Don’t you ever
Ever
Dare compare
Me to the one who broke me

Don’t ask if I’m okay
I can’t answer that
I can’t remember not feeling this way
Or why
Or how I’m different now

Nothing seems right
I’m planning my plummet
Curling my fingers
Closing my eyes
Rejecting the factors that overwhelm

You just don’t know.
I can tell you
But I can’t interpret for you

It seems impossible
The way you think
You have it under control
But alas,
You overcome the impossible
And smite me once again

I don’t have any sanity left
I’m just exposed, broken pieces now
No one tries to stitch the pieces
They tell me I can do that myself
God no, I can’t
I’m too weak

This is my white flag
Once again, I wave it
In the smoggy, heated air
Nothing has changed
I’ve just become tired
With that tattered flag held high
Using the only strength I have left
To get my point across

My eyes were bright
My smile, truer
My hair, long and shameless
My clothes, fit
My persona, excited
My friends, ears falling off
My life, simply complicated as ever

None of that is true
It’s all a mask

It’s not that me saying “I’m fine”
Didn’t hurt
But what hurt most
Is that they believed it
And thought I didn’t think
I could die any moment

There’s not enough to write
I can’t think straight
Everything is swaying and dark
I’m breathing thin air constantly

There’s nothing to say
Except, “I don’t want this life.
It scares me.”

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Promise It, Fix It, Change It

“Insecurity”.

It’s a funny word, isn’t it?
Yet this one noun, and it’s root word ‘insecure’, are one of the most common reasons for bulling, self-doubt, depression, and so much more. So much that I can’t help but question how funny of a word it really is. It’s more of a serious word, actually.

I don’t think I was clear on the post “Satisfaction, Maybe?”. I was jumping from one idea to the next and even I was confused like, What did I just write?

What I really wanted to explain was that I don’t think I, and/or a lot of people, are really grateful of what goals we make and do accomplish.

Confession: I make mental promises to myself for what I can improve. And I don’t tell anyone what those promises are when I make them. This is a real list of things I was/and insecure about and made MPs (mental promises) for:
•Hair Color
•Light Skin
•Lack of Sleep
•Depression
•Long Showers
•Depression
•Acne
•Depression
•Style
•Bitterness/How Much I Hold A Grudge
•Depression
•Weight (No, really.)
•No Muscles
•Bad Fitness Test Scores
•Feet
•Hands
•Height
•Figure
•Curly Hair
•Selfishness
•”Lack of Thinking”
•Thinking Too Much
•Judging People By Their Looks
•Procrastination
•Nails
•Makeup
•Teeth (braces and decalcification)
•”Lack of Talent/Originality”
•Writer’s Block
•Being So Easily Hurt

That’s a long list. I realized that.
Did you know that Capricorns (which I am) are known for striving for perfection and fearing that they will lose all of it out of nowhere? That describes me perfectly. And it describes why I’m so superstitious about having MPs.

But this is the dramatic part. I hadn’t realized how much I had accomplished and how much I worked on those little habits and qualities until this year. Until September, probably. I looked in the mirror, looking for flaws to bite at my confidence, and I didn’t see much. In fact I had realized just how pretty I should know I am. And I do know it, it’s just hard to believe that I am more than pretty if I regularly notice the worst things about myself.

I’ll always be insecure. No matter if I don’t like my physical appearance or my state of mind. And nothing will ever change that. But I now know that those little tidbits aren’t trying to bring me down, they are giving me ways to improve.

So this is a list of things that I have accomplished or am working on from the previous list:
Hair Color
•Light Skin
Lack of Sleep
Depression
Long Showers
Acne
Style
Bitterness/How Much I Hold A Grudge
Weight
•No Muscles
•Bad Fitness Test Scores

•Feet
•Hands
•Height
Figure
Curly Hair
Selfishness
“Lack of Thinking”
Thinking Too Much
Judging People By Their Looks
•Procrastination (lol nope)
Nails
Makeup
Teeth (braces and decalcification)
“Lack of Talent/Originality”
Writer’s Block
Being So Easily Hurt

That. Is. Nearly. All. Of. Them.
Also this piggybacks on the fact of how much thinking I do. I am aware of myself and body so I can catch something and change it.
Really, it astounds me how much we don’t think of all the great things we have done, because many people are doing the same thing I did before: focusing on the things that make us think the worst.
So to conclude I think that we all need to look at how great we are and see what we have done positively. I mean, I like being satisfied. And that list surely made me feel good about myself.
(Try it yourself! Make a list of all the things you’ve been insecure about and cross off or check off the things you have gotten over or achieved the best of. Good luck!)

Love, M🎀