The Meaning Of Life: To Defy Life Itself

I’ve been told
“Please don’t become insane.
Don’t lose yourself.
I can’t afford
To lose someone
Who’s head is leveled
Despite their distorted background.

“I can’t imagine you dealing
With that daily.
You may have felt insane
But your head cleared up, didn’t it?”

The answer is yes.
With every happening
I end up clearing something out
And adding something on.
But by no rate
Am I losing the person I need to be.

We are becoming strong people
We are finding our voices,
Living with less limitation,
Basically inhaling grief,
and exhaling the same chemical madness.

We are denying the crossroads
Regretting it
And not realizing
The impact was meant to happen.

Everything is meant to happen.
No matter negative or positive,
Every action has meaning.
We just may not know
What that meaning is.

I was at a Demi Lovato concert.
Midway, she gave a speech about
All the things she has learned
Because of downfall
And breakthrough.

Demi said,
excuse my language,
“My fans are strong-ass motherfuckers.”
I applauded
Like my life depended on it.
Maybe it did.
That was the truest statement
I had ever heard from a celebrity.

Not only are her fans strong,
They are all untouchable.
They have gone through life
With her
And without her.
They stand tall
At Life’s door,
Ring the doorbell
And run.
And when life opens the door
It sees a note that reads
“You can’t bring us down.
We will avoid your flaming red eyes
And breathe fresh air someday
Because we were able to trap you,
Serve you the medicine you gave us.”

The meaning of life,
As I see it,
Is to defy life.
We defy natural forces,
Feed upon the originality,
Entrepreneurial inventory,
Plummet our salary.
That’s how life is made,
In creations that adapt
And improve life.

Defy gravity with high jumps.
Defy bacteria with wipes, soap, and gel
Defy acne with face products
Defy wiring with wireless systems
Defy instinct with morals
Defy bullying with bravery
Defy bankruptcy with loans and business
Defy fat with good eating and fitness
Get the drift?

We evolve with everything we do
Cheer on the people
Who have defied nature
Find our happiness
By experiencing depression

It’s all logic
To invent new things and feelings
It makes us different every day
And creates new paths
That bring us to be amazing people

So yes,
With everything that I go through,
I defy life
While collecting more life to defy
But by no rate
Am I losing the person I need to be.

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Please Take Me Away Without Question.

No safety
No stability
No support

Not a soul in sight
Offers her hand
When it’s her last hand left

You just don’t understand
You can’t even understand that

Everything leads back
To the dizziness
I feel when thinking about
How messed up my situation is

No hand to guide me
No study partner
No one motivating me
No love
No understanding
Nothing
And I make up for all of it
By supplying myself with all of it

It doesn’t always work
Hell, it never really works
But I can’t confide
I just get shot down

I am so easy to break
I put up walls to save myself
But they just push me further
Like a bulldozer

Don’t you ever
Ever
Dare compare
Me to the one who broke me

Don’t ask if I’m okay
I can’t answer that
I can’t remember not feeling this way
Or why
Or how I’m different now

Nothing seems right
I’m planning my plummet
Curling my fingers
Closing my eyes
Rejecting the factors that overwhelm

You just don’t know.
I can tell you
But I can’t interpret for you

It seems impossible
The way you think
You have it under control
But alas,
You overcome the impossible
And smite me once again

I don’t have any sanity left
I’m just exposed, broken pieces now
No one tries to stitch the pieces
They tell me I can do that myself
God no, I can’t
I’m too weak

This is my white flag
Once again, I wave it
In the smoggy, heated air
Nothing has changed
I’ve just become tired
With that tattered flag held high
Using the only strength I have left
To get my point across

My eyes were bright
My smile, truer
My hair, long and shameless
My clothes, fit
My persona, excited
My friends, ears falling off
My life, simply complicated as ever

None of that is true
It’s all a mask

It’s not that me saying “I’m fine”
Didn’t hurt
But what hurt most
Is that they believed it
And thought I didn’t think
I could die any moment

There’s not enough to write
I can’t think straight
Everything is swaying and dark
I’m breathing thin air constantly

There’s nothing to say
Except, “I don’t want this life.
It scares me.”

Don’t Think I Liked Any Of This When I Reread It

When I said life was hard,
that wasn’t me challenging
if it could get worse.

Seriously.
I’m happy for two seconds.
Couldn’t you let me have this one?

No, of course not.
‘Cause I’m around my family.

Cheers to the people with supportive family.
Cheers to the married parents.
Cheers to the loving siblings.
Cheers to the sensitive jokes.
Cheers to the “good examples.”
Cheers to the stories at dinner time.
Cheers to all those cheery things.

Although, then there’s the dysfunctional families.
The ones who lost members to illness.
The ones who think they are ill.
The ones who know someone (or multiple people) who smoke.
The ones that are druggees.
The ones that are alcoholics.
The ones that lack love and compassion.

Loving is one thing,
tolerating is another.
Is it sad if a young girl knows how to open a wine bottle?
Or beer bottle?
Or has cleaned an ash tray?
Or been scared of family who you don’t know well?

Tell me:
What’s the point of keeping secrets from love ones?
It’ll get to them someday.
Information spreads like disease;
silently, discreetly, and to everyone it comes in contact with.

Don’t ask me questions.
I won’t want to answer.
I won’t want to know whatever you are guessing.
Because chances are? It’s not flattering.

Hell is on Earth.
I would be one to know.
My whole damn family would be people to know.

You know why I’m scared and know I may be done for soon?
Because it happened to all my gene-sharers, ya know.
I can see it happening
like it’s already in my grasp
but I’m too scared to give in.

I don’t self harm.
I don’t constantly swear.
I don’t have eating disorders.
Even though you may think it’s good I haven’t given in,
It’s worse than if I did.
Because if I haven’t done those things,
I’m still holding all the pain in.

It’s eating me alive
that is, if I’m not already dead.

By trying to help myself
I’ve only made myself broken.
And I don’t know if I should help that
because, as now discussed, that didn’t work.

I have very little strength left.

Please don’t push me.
I want to run run run
then sit down and stay put.
And if you knock me off balance,
might as well put me completely out of my misery.

I’m not being over dramatic.
I don’t think people realize how serious I am
when I say, “I’m dangerously broken.”

This is not a drill.
Unless you’re here to injure me,
do not abort mission.

Ha.
I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
It’s all nonsense, you see.
It may actually make sense to you
but to me I can’t concentrate.

Awful hearing.
Awful memory.
Awful eyesight.
Awful smile.
Awful attitude.
I’m just awful.

This is the truth.
I’ve been saying,
“This is the hardest part of life yet.”
But I’m young.
It’s all just getting started.

When I said life was hard,
that wasn’t me challenging
if it could get worse.

No Title Could Be Right For This Post

I would run if I had legs to run with. I guess that’s my problem; I don’t bother to try finding joy in a substitute movement. If I can’t run due to no legs, I can’t do anything at all.

Leave me to my thoughts, please.
I’m lacking sleep, I know
But that’s not the only thing
That keeps me up at night

I dread going to sleep.
I dread waking up.
I dread going to school.
I dread leaving school.

Maybe it’s because I’m asked questions
Maybe I need my time
Maybe it’s because people test me
Maybe I don’t care why

Paper is put in my hair
People are judging my attitude
They are telling me to ask for help
To be myself
Then interrogating why

I’m okay, you know
I can take care of myself
When countless issues are being depended on my me to solve
I guess all I need is myself

I’m an introvert, whatever
I never asked for your opinion
I work better on my own
Independence is peaceful

I’m not silently begging for help
I don’t care for anyone’s certain attention
My attention span is small
So I wouldn’t be able to return the favor

I feel guilty knowing
That I may not care as much for you
As you do me
And I feel even guiltier
Knowing that I may be overdramatizing my little care

Please, don’t help me
Don’t tell me that I’m wrong
Just point me in the right direction
And show me where to go on my own

I’m waiting for a way out
I’m too tired to search for it
Until then,
I’ll study the way the world works
And hope I catch on

When you’ve been disappointed so much
Why would you act on something?
If you’re like me,
you’ll tell yourself
“I would’ve been disappointed if I tried.”

I’ve been led to believe
that would be my life
then that would
now this

I’ve been given childhood,
my perfect place to be,
now a train wreck of a life

I’m slowly killing myself
From the inside out
That’s what freaks me out

I’m worried that someday I will crash
I’ll find an unhealthy outlet
And I’ll be done for

What I’m worried about most
Is that I’ve already crashed
I’ve found my outlet
And now I’m done for

This can’t be the end of it all.
I plan on moving away
Surrounding myself with happy things
And absorbing the beautifulness

That’ll be the high point–
The main attraction–
The end to all my current fears

Whatever it turns out to be
I’ll have achieved it on my own
I’ll live on my own
I’ll smile because of me
Not because I was helped today
But because I learned to help myself

Perhaps this is my outlet:
Writing.
I don’t care if anyone ever reads it
As long as my thoughts
Aren’t swimming around in my head
Like goldfish in search of food,
Although they keep gliding in circles

I’m telling you
I hate being told I need help
I won’t really let myself accept it
Because it’s like a sign of weakness

I don’t want to depend on someone else
For something I can just be guided to do
Because that’s when it gets weak
That’s when I admit
That even through all I’ve endured
I’m still not strong enough
Not wise enough
For your instruction

But I’m only a young teen
What do I know, eh?
I don’t know sufferage?
I don’t understand pain?

How about you show me then
Tell me what I don’t know
Then at least we could say
I tried

I’ve cried myself to sleep
I’ve imagined suicide
I’ve read about hardship
I’ve studied others’ bad decisions
I’ve seen others at their most vulnerable
I’ve been the outlet and backlash for people
I’ve been left and told to move on
I’ve been pushed, shoved, kicked, swatted, cursed at

I know more than enough
You just misunderstand
But you don’t know if you do or don’t
Because there is no way
To make you see what I see

We don’t see things how they are.
We see things how we are.
That’s why it’s so hard to sympathize.

No, no, no
Blah, blah, blah
Shush, shush, shush
Punish, punish, punish

This is my peace,
Explaining why life is unforgivable
So others can relate
And I can finally rest
Knowing I let all I could out

I’d be fine
If we parted ways
I bet you would be too
We’re only people

So I guess we are all human
And should have mutual relationships
With each other

We should understand,
Debate,
Think hard
Write our thoughts down
And just do as we please

Because if I don’t find my peace
And if the world isn’t silent soon enough,
I don’t know if it’s worth trying
Until it’s all over with

It Killed Me

After a certain amount of time, you realize that everything you said, everything you swore wouldn’t happen to you, was an unkept promise.

I said I wouldn’t be even slightly dumb. I said I wouldn’t mush with the group. I said I wouldn’t trip over cordless phones. I said I wouldn’t know an in-crowd. I told myself that I would never, ever let myself feel vulnerable and confused. Yet now that’s exactly who I am and what I do.

But who cares if I hate my life. If I can’t remember ever being in a happy family. If I haven’t seen my parents happy in the same room for most of my life. If my family tolerates saying things to each other that, I swear, kills them a little more inside every time. If my own sister scares me, because her actions do kill me inside and she loves the idea of not caring to hurt others but crying when it happens to her. No one cares that everything I say has a filter because I want to be courteous. That I’m twelve and have already learned what it’s like to cry to sleep or cry as soon as I get home. That I push some people away when they become my friends. That I am crying as I write this. That I rue myself for being who I am and having the life that I am hardly living. That I feel like hell, like I don’t even want to continue this life, but I haven’t even lived the worst parts yet.

I hate little things like how quickly live moves. It hurts like a kick in the neck how quickly people get sick of me.

I want my name to live on, even if I don’t see it with my own eyes. But no. So far I’ve made more mistakes than I have made sense.

I was dragged to another state. I knew that it was a bad idea. Then I made friends. I had a new, lovely life. Then the biggest ass ever made us move back. So that experience gave me a new perspective then ripped away almost everything that made me happy.

I was left with my family. And now, something with everyone except my aunt, dad, and stepmom has brought me to my knees. It could’ve been a mental stress-related breakdown, or a promise to not do bad things broken. And no one has an excuse for pushing me into the backlash.

But now I’ve let it bestow upon me. My life has been torn apart into the smallest pieces possible, and this is nothing I could ever recover.

What if I hadn’t moved? What if they knew how I feel? What if they knew what I’d do if I knew how to speak? What if they saw the difference between a face and a mask? What if–

What if I never said a single word?

Imagine

Imagine this:

You are home
You feel useless
Like the whole world came clear,
and you found out its only a mess.
You think that your whole life
will be all effort, no happiness in return
Because that is all it has been,
even to this day

But you go to school
And to your surprise, you’re happy
All the tears from last night?
Gone, like it never happened
Everything is just okay
because you still remember sadness,
and you still aren’t smiling 24/7,
but you have your friends
and you are doing good in school
and some teachers know how
to make you smile

Then you get home
and, almost immediately,
the feeling of happiness is gone.
Like today’s life just left your soul
now you remember why you were
sad
depressed
lonely
hurt
Everything just…
hit you.

Although it’s really unexplainable,
it seems too easy to explain

But all you know is that,
as you see it,
this is how it will always be
You will always come home happy
and never like the way you turn out
You learn a lot from what you do
when you’re alone
Yet you’re unsure if there’s ever
a difference between
alone, and crowded, but lonely

Yeah, you’re right.
Right there, in a place in your mind,
you know this is depressing
and that it won’t last forever

But no matter what you tell me
No matter how much you say
to lift my spirits
Nothing could make me feel different
Even if this is normal
like this happens to everyone
So many people act like they it didn’t
happen to their very souls.

Teenagers–
Expected to act like adults,
Treated like children.
The adults that treat us this way
know the sad feeling
but they tell us to feel better
to freaking cheer up.
But I can bet the world’s riches
that they didn’t follow that advice
when they were our ages.

Of course they didn’t.
But what makes them expect
that we can learn so quick?
And when we are treated with such…
Disrespect, pity, so forth.

Anyway,
You are treated with so little respect
and love
at home.
You don’t know what to do
besides sit there,
lonely, because no one
thinks
act
IS
anything like you are.

And then they ask for respect,
like it should come to them for free,
when you work your butt off
and get nothing in return.

You feel like you’re going through
a time warp
back to slavery,
back to the Great Depression,
back to World War 2 and the Holocaust
back to any time
that one,
because of a number,
no matter on their arm,
or on their birth certificate,
has been treated like this.

It’s not being over dramatic.
It’s not hormones.
Adults just don’t see eye to eye
because they aren’t being treated
in this stupid way.
Not the same way.

But guess what?
When some people
don’t have the strength
to push through like you do,
all you can do is dream of leaving.

And that’s
all
you
can
do.

Now that you’ve experienced
all the sorrow
and been reminded of it,
how will you act
the next time you’ve looked down
on one another?

The Golden Rule–
Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Be respectful of our teachers? I respect whoever respects me back, regardless of age.


Why does nobody understand?
They tell us to be respectful
when they are doing sinful things
all on their own.

ThIs DoEsN’t MaKe SeNsE.

So, now that you’ve gotten that
through your mind
and I’ve let it it out,
tell me
what’s the difference?

I go through this feeling every day.
I hate being treated by certain people
with so little care
yet they call it love.

Every day,
I am mentally forced to be depressed
and to feel like crying
all over again.
I don’t smile around these
selfish people.
I wish I could switch them
for the other.

But you know what?
I have the dignity
and self-respect
to just keep swimming.
There is nothing else to do.
And that’s the truth.

This. Is. Life.

I can’t explain my feelings. I’m being pulled in a thousand different directions each hijacking my control over what happens next. There is no explanation for why I hurt, because I wonder if it’s normal or I’m just being weak. There are a thousand things to focus on, but sadly school is being mentally placed at the end of the list.
Nothing I did today went right. Actually, the only thing I did that felt good was picking up a paper for a depressed friend and then holding the door open so he could get by. But I was just there. I guess it didn’t count. Otherwise I most likely flunked a test, was slow on another, couldn’t keep my attention on the teacher in another class, and was anxious and nervous in everything else (including lunch). Even colors like black are looking like green and red. My focus keeps shifting from spaced out to the physical.
I see giggly people all around me. I can’t even hold a smile today. I didn’t laugh legitimately. Nothing seems right. I don’t know who to talk to, because I get offers to speak and then can’t find the reason to.
My nail lacquers and polishes and everything are packed. Everything I ate today was unhealthy. I suddenly can’t read. I’m always depressed and not dramatic, like how I may sometimes act. Everything is real. I can’t even eat, really. There is way too much in my mind for me to handle. I just want everything to end right now. I want to leave my life and enter another dimension. I don’t think I deserve this. Is this like a test? To test my strength and protection instincts? Because I am failing, just like everything else right now. All the moving and everything that has happened that hurt me is not me who started it. A lot of it was my mom. Some was my sister. My friends who never seem to stick together make a part. A portion is my family who doesn’t support each other, gossips about each other, are dramatic, and basically is a stereotypical school away from school.
I have no reason. I have no motivation. I’ve written something like this several times before, as if it matters that I write it at all. This is just not worth tears, it is worth horrendous rainstorms that fill the entire world. I even hope to go to a boarding high school so I can escape it all. But don’t worry; I’m used to it. And I will always have to deal with this brain-tearing life of mine.

Scary, huh?