I’ve Been Good For So Long, I Had To Crumble

I wish I could directly tell you
You contain the only memory
I still regret

I regret being afraid to say yes
I regret letting someone else control my life
I regret being so naïve
I regret not saying goodbye

I feel fake
As if my public self is a persona
I’m not plastic
I’m still me
I’m still quirky
I’m still smart
I’m still trying my best

I hate how we just…
…Disconnected.

I want to show up at your doorstep
With my luggage
I want to explain myself
We could catch up
We could start all over

I never got closure with my past.
It never worked out for me.
They always tried to spare my tears
But sometimes
The tears just need to come out

I’ve grown
I’ve become this person who just
Waits around for the future to come
But it never happens how it should

I need to be there for you again
I need to be that annoyance
I need to be that alien
I need to be on the brink of discovery
I need to have that chance again

Maybe it happened for the reason
To screw me over
To make an insomniac out of me
To scare the living hell out of me

Unless you knew somehow,
I’ve been lost without the closure

I’ve had moments
Where I’ve been at my best
Smiling
Thinking “This is where I want to be”
I’ve had moments
Where I’ve felt my worst
Like my mind was ripped to shreds
My heart on reality TV
In a fetal position
In the corner
Crying “I’ve lost my mind”

I’ve been so good for so long
But they took over once again

I hate what I could’ve been
I despise her
She’s happy
She’s at parties
She has all the friends
She’s not afraid
She’s confident
While I sit here
Alone in my room
Wondering what might’ve happened

If you didn’t notice,
I lost you
And all my friends
I lost all the ones I previously had
Now I have two
Because even new ones have left me

I
Freaking
Miss
You

And I can’t do anything about it.

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Published by

maya ps

the internet is where i rest. blogging is both the beginning and the end. current works include my social media platforms, wattpad, poetry, depression, discovery, and harry styles.

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